For far too many women, both young and old, Valentines Day is not the celebration of love that it should be. For some, February 14 is just another sour reminder of how far they’ve fallen from the hopes and dreams of what love might have been in a different time, different place, and with a very different person.

Are you in an abusive relationship? If so, maybe this February 14 can become your doorway to freedom. Consider the following information:

Signs of an Abusive Relationships http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html

Important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship include when someone:

• harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching
• tries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say
• frequently humiliates you or making you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you)
• coerces or threatens to harm you, or self-harm, if you leave the relationship
• twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner’s actions
• demands to know where you are at all times
• constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends

Unwanted sexual advances that make you uncomfortable are also red flags that the relationship needs to focus more on respect. When someone says stuff like “If you loved me, you would . . . ” that’s also a warning of possible abuse. A statement like this is controlling and is used by people who are only concerned about getting what they want — not caring about what you want. Trust your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Signs That a Friend Is Being Abused

In addition to the signs listed above, here are some signs a friend might be being abused by a partner:

• unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, or marks
• excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason
• secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family
• avoidance of school or social events with excuses that don’t seem to make any sense

A person who is being abused needs someone to hear and believe him or her. Maybe your friend is afraid to tell a parent because that will bring pressure to end the relationship. People who are abused often feel like it’s their fault — that they “asked for it” or that they don’t deserve any better. But abuse is never deserved. Help your friend understand that it is not his or her fault. Your friend is not a bad person. The person who is being abusive has a serious problem and needs professional help.

A friend who is being abused needs your patience, love, and understanding. Your friend also needs your encouragement to get help immediately from an adult, such as a parent or guidance counselor. Most of all, your friend needs you to listen without judging. It takes a lot of courage to admit being abused; let your friend know that you’re offering your full support.

Although the above information is geared toward a teenager, it is valid for adults as well. Finding a safe person to share the secret with is a must. A majority of the young women who come and find a safe refuge at Bethany House have experienced abusive and traumatic relationships, too. Rebuilding a life after an abusive relationship is challenging, but possible.

When “Jane” shared the following story, I was heartbroken:

“Tom took me on a drive to the beach. He’d been doing meth and hadn’t slept for days. He kept talking about how he wanted to kill me. I knew how violent he could be, and I was scared for my life. I just sat quietly hoping to keep him from finding any more reasons to be mad at me. We drove up a winding dirt road far into the coastal mountains. My terror grew as we drove futher and further away from the main roads. He led me to a cliff and forced me to look over. He told me if I ever tried to leave him this is where I’d end up. He also told me no one would care because I was a worthless piece of sh…; I thought I was going to die that evening. Amazingly, God had another plan for me. Dying that night wasn’t part of it.”

Friend, if you are reading this right now, and are suffering in an abusive relationship, I know God led you to this journal. Please, seek help now. Don’t wait. Had “Jane” continued in that relationship, I have a horrible suspician that we would have never met. Her pregnancy served as a “wake up call” for her. Today, she is raising her two children and is still free from that violent and degrading relationship.

There are many resources in your community that can help, including a national abuse hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
 that can get your pointed in the right direction. If you are pregnant and seeking help, contact Bethany House. If we are unable to help, we will provide you with resources that can. Don’t wait. You deserve love.

You’re lovable and worthy.